The thing that is terrible about life on this planet is that you have to be awake for so much of it. Not only that, but there are also specific times when you are supposed to be asleep. As though sleep is even an achievable thing anymore. Sleep! Have you tried it recently? How’d THAT go? Awful, right? But it’s supposed to be something we’re good at, so that other times we can be awake, paying attention to people and doing things? The whole thing makes no sense. Being awake is terrible and being asleep is impossible. I mean, we have Ambien and melatonin, and exercise and meth, but it all feels so kludgy, you know? You’d figure science would have presented a cleaner option at this point.

In the meantime, in the interest of at least dragging people out of bed in the morning, the marketing department at PepsiCo Inc. has devised the breakfast soda.

MTN DEW Kickstart, as it is officially known, is meant to be a thrilling new alternative to every other existing beverage. It’s not a soda, if that’s what you’re thinking, because it has juice in it. But it’s not a juice, exactly, because it’s caffeinated. But it’s also not an energy drink, because it’s not SUPER-caffeinated, and it doesn’t contain fun energy and mood enhancers like taurine, guarana, ginseng, carnatine, or nicotinamide.

MTN DEW Kickstart is, instead, a beverage concept. [...]